Callie Gesels

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say,'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

(Thanks aan Karlien, wat eenkeer bacon geeet het net om te proe hoe awesome dit is!)

'n Klomp Zulus loop verby oupa en ouma se huis en sê: "Ukonte we sizwe".
Die ouma vra: "Wat sê hulle?"
Die oupa sê:"Nee, smaak my die konte wil sweets he!"

Liewe Ma en Pa,Dit gaan goed met my en met julle?

Sê vir boetie Wouter en boetie Koos dat om in die Army te wees baielekkerder is as om vir Oom Piet te werk. Hulle moet sommer gou komaansluit voordat al die plekke gevul word.

Ek was eers baie ongemaklik omdat mens in die bed moet bly tot amper06:00, maar nou geniet ek dit om so laat te kan slaap. Sê vir Wouter enKoos al wat mens voor ontbyt moet doen, is om jou bed netjies en glad temaak en goed blink te vryf. Nikse gevarke voer, koeie melk, mampoermeng of braaihout kappery nie. Jy doen amper niks! Manne moet nogskeer, maar dis nie so erg nie, want daars warm water.

Brekfis is sterk op vrugtesap, pap, eiers en bacon, maar minder sterkop steaks, boerewors, tjops, aartappels en goed soos vetkoek. Maar sêvir hulle jy kan altyd tussen twee dorpsjapies wat net van koffie leef,gaan sit. Hulle kos plus joune hou mens darem vol tot twaalfuur toewanneer jy weer gevoer word.

Hierdie dorpsjapies kan nie juis ver stap nie. Ons gaan op roetemarse,wat ons sal taai maak, sê die Sersant. As hy so dink is dit mos nie myplek om hom reg te help nie. 'n Roetemars is omtrent so ver soos tot byons posbus by die huis. Dan kry die dorpsjapies seer voete en ons almalry dan terug in lorries. Die veld is mooi, maar baie plat.

Julle gaan julle morsdood lag as julle hiervan hoor. Ek bly medaljeskry vir skiet. Ek weet nie hoekom nie. Die bulls-eye is net so grootsoos 'n dassie se kop en beweeg glad nie eers nie. En dit skiet nie eersterug soos daai bliks%#se Venters van die buurplaas nie. Al wat jy moetdoen is om doodstil te lê en dit raak te skiet. Jy hoef nie eers joueie ammunisie te maak nie, dit kom in bokse.

Dan is daar wat hulle noem "hand-to-hand combat training". Jy stoei metdie dorpsjapies van die stad af. Ek moet versigtig wees, want hulle krymaklik seer. Dis nie soos om met ons ou bul, Swart Duiwel, by die huiste stoei nie.Ek is omtrent die beste wat hulle in hierdie peleton het, behalwe virGroot Jan Jordaan van die Bosveld. Hy het saam met my aangesluit. Maarek is omtrent 5 voet 6 en weeg 70kg en hy is 6 voet 8 en weeg maklik150kg, droë gewig.

Sê tog my boeties moet gou maak en aansluit voordat ander ouens uitvindvan die ongelooflike Army setup en aangestorm kom!

Julle liefdevolle dogter

Ester

Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child.
Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?"
Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"

Vrou: "Seks, seks, seks! Jy praat net altyd oor seks . . . Praat eerder oor die weer!

Man: "OK, wanneer doen ons dit WEER ?"

[Thanks Charles]

Japie is in die hospitaal opgeneem en op n waglys geplaas vir n operasie. Gedurende die oggend probeer hy verskeie kere om die toilet te besoek maar dit bly beset. n Hospitaalsuster sien sy dilemma en beveel aan dat hy die dames se toilet kan gebruik as hy belowe hy sal nie enige knoppies teen die muur druk nie.

Nadat hy sy sit op die toilet gekry het sien hy 4 knoppies teen die muur langs hom. Hulle is gemerk WW, WL, PS en OTV.

Nadat hy die knoppies vir n rukkie geignoreer het besluit hy om dit tog maar te toets. Wie sal weet hy het dit gedruk. Hy druk toe die WW knoppie en skielik spuit Warm Water sy hol skoon. Bliksem! dink hy, die damestoilette is darem by meer fancy as die manstoilette.
Hy druk toe dadelik die WL knoppie en Warm Lug uit die toilet blaas sy holla droog..
In ekstase druk hy die PS knoppie en n Poeier Spray met n lekker reuk bedek sy boude.

Opgewonde vir wat wag druk hy die OTV knoppie. Die volgende oomblik raak hy flou en ure later word hy in n hospitaalbed wakker met die suster wat hom aanstaar.
"Wat het gebeur?" vra hy, "Die laaste wat ek kan onthou was toe ek die OTV knoppie gedruk het"

"Ja" se sy, "die OTV is n Outomatiese Tampon Verwyderaar, jou tottie is onder jou kussing"

As jy oor die dansvloer loop om n dop te gaan bestel en jy wen die singles dans kompetisie!

They said a Blackman will be President of America only when pigs can fly.

Barack Obama has been in power 100 days and bang! Pigs flu.

A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."

He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, what's your business role at this convention?

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name.

"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frik."

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

Fuck off', she said, 'they're for the funeral!'

After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that was expensive (for people staying in Brakpan paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or sound system is expensive).

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said : "Ag, yunna, I may not be the cleverest oke in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor...

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "One, twooo, freee, fooorrr, fiiiive," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand!!!

This procedure also works in: Boksburg, Springs, Bronkhorstspruit, Primrose, KemptonParkWest, Kriel, Randfontein, Brits, Orkney, Klerksdorp and the Bluff.

Hierdie een van FML was my lag vir die dag!

Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML

My grappie vir die dag is die IEC (Independant Electoral Commission) Link

Kom aan, lag saam. Jy weet jy wil.

En as jy nou rerig lekker wil lag, gaan kyk bietjie hoe lyk hulle website.